The following is adapted from Relational and Emotional Intelligence by Dr. Kenneth Acha.
No one is unmotivated. Everyone is motivated by fundamental human needs: Safety and survival, understanding, connection and acceptance, contribution, esteem and identity, self-direction (autonomy), and self-actualization. Across races, ethnicities, geographical locations, we all share these fundamental human needs.
Many researchers have described these human needs; the most popular of whom was Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. At the top of Maslow’s pyramid of needs is self-actualization—the need to pursue and achieve one’s full potential. That potential is defined in a guiding aspiration (purpose, core values, and goals). Self-actualization is becoming what one is meant to be. That involves growth and development that advances one’s values and goals.
According to Maslow, when lower-level needs for safety, survival, connection, and so forth are satisfied, people pursue self-actualization. As Stephen Covey once noted, “Satisfied needs do not motivate. It’s only the unsatisfied need that motivates.”
Higher-level needs for self-actualization (living our values and achieving long-term goals) may be pushed aside by competition from more pressing needs for survival, safety, and social connection. However, knowing them is crucial to knowing ourselves. Our guiding aspirations provide a true north for orienting our emotions.
Effective emotion regulation manages our emotions in the service of our values and goals. Before seeking to grow your emotional intelligence in a specific area, remind yourself of your core values and goals. Ask yourself, what motivates you? What kind of person do you want to become? What are your short and long-term goals? What are your guiding aspirations?
With our guiding aspirations in mind, think about how you need to be feeling in order to achieve your goals. Think about the next few months and ask yourself, how do you want to feel? Where would you need to decrease negative emotions and increase positive emotions? Where do you need to increase self-motivation, and how much? What kind of energy would you like to have? What kinds of decisions would you need to be making? Where do you need to practice the growth mindset more?
If you are like most people, you want to feel excited, happy, calm, peaceful, loving, safe, confident, optimistic, energized, supported, and so forth. If so, write these down. If you are already experiencing these feelings and don’t need to increase them in your life, write them down so you can maintain them.
There is only one way to eat an elephant: one bite at a time. Pick to start with either self-competence (i.e., self-awareness and self-management) or social competence (social awareness and relationship management). Define what you want the outcome to be—how do you want to feel in that area? Write down how you want to feel—write down the vision, make it plain. This stage is where you define what winning looks like for you in a specific area of your emotional life. You can’t grow your emotional intelligence at once, so you will have to choose to focus on either self or social competency. In that area, you will diagnose and treat the emotional concern. Start with SMART goals and gradually increase your target. Note: SMART stands for specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. In terms of time, it may help to define short-term and long-term goals.
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