The issue with growth is that when you grow, you change. When you change, you are no longer the same person you were. If the magnitude of the growth is big, you become very different from the way you were before. You may not enjoy the same activities and jokes you used to enjoy. Your sensitivities change. Your commitments and goals change. You cannot tolerate the same things you used to tolerate before.
If you grow and those around you, including your loved ones, don’t, very soon, the gap between the two of you can become so big that you don’t share much in common anymore. This is also true if you and those around you change and grow in different directions. You may be related through blood or marriage, but if you don’t grow together, you soon realize that those people aren’t the friends you like to hang out with. Your worldviews, values, goals, and the things that bring you joy can become so different. This makes relationships difficult and is often the source of significant conflict between spouses, siblings, family members, and other relationships. Growing apart is such a potent cause of intractable conflict that life-giving relationships are impossible without strong mutual acceptance, respect, understanding, and capitalization on common ground. Without such strong emphasis, it’s nearly impossible to salvage and rebuild the relationship.
Recently, the 2021 NBA season ended with Giannis Antetokounmpo winning the Championship and the finals MVP. Looking from afar, my wife and I have seen and talked about how he and his two brothers (all NBA players) seem to be close and supporting each other. Every family has its issues (even if we don’t know about them). However, they appear to have each other’s backs. One thing we can notice with them is that even though they have grown throughout the years, they have all grown and pursued the same dreams as basketball players. That dream has taken them from the streets of Greece to NBA courts. Giannis is a legendary player and is far better than his brothers and makes more money, yet they share the same goals. To play basketball, a game they love, and to grow as players. That’s a driving force in their lives. When brothers (or other family members for that matter) share the same values and pursue the same or similar goals, it creates a bond between them. They don’t hang out with each other simply out of obligation to each other as brothers. They do so because they share the same values and goals and can support each other. [Note: Shared careers in sports or any other field aren’t the only way siblings or spouses can bond. There are numerous creative ways that people in relationships can seek and engage in that will help them grow together, develop shared interests, values, and goals. Such mutual activities and goals are what is necessary, not the field or type of activity.]
We thought about another group of brothers and sisters with African origins who didn’t grow together (they grew apart). In their childhood, they were nominal Christians. They have since grown along different paths in terms of their Christianity and appear to have different beliefs and levels of commitment to their faith. Joshua, the second son of the family, became an avid reader and student. By God’s grace and scholarships, he ended up in the U.S. He connected with the culture and embraced it, went to school, and earned two doctorate degrees—one in medicine and the other in theology. From childhood, Joshua has been the kind of person who prefers to stay away from people and spend his time reading or creating. Since 2006, he loves to spend his free time either reading or absorbed in working for an orphan care nonprofit he started. David, his older brother, is a very different man. Unlike his little brother who is an introvert and lover of books, David is a lively, gregarious, extrovert who loves to connect with people he knows, enjoy a beer, and bring people together for common purposes. He also moved to the U.S. but lived in largely African communities within the U.S. Even though he too has lived in the U.S for long, he hasn’t engaged in the culture and educational system in the same way. He prefers starting and running small businesses. He has never been the academic type that Joshua is. However, David is quite successful in his own right and very helpful to his family. Both David and Joshua are successful men—none is better than the other, but they could not be more different in their worldviews and priorities in life. Because of David’s path, he still shares the same values and goals as their mother and the rest of the siblings who still live in Africa. Instead of supporting each other as Giannis and his brothers are (who grew together), these brothers have been embroiled in a pernicious conflict for years. They aren’t talking to each other. David, their mother, and the rest of the family won’t pick Joshua’s calls or talk with him because they say he doesn’t care about Mom or the family. Joshua swears that he cares and wants to talk and hang out and learn to understand and respect each other, but the rest of the family just won’t have it.
Neither Joshua nor David and the rest of the family are to blame here. Growth means change. When siblings or couples grow apart (instead of together), they become different people. Growth changes people. The mistake they are making is that of failing to seek to truly understand each other—their worldview, values, goals, delights, and distresses—and then seeking common ground. No matter how much growth separates people, just the fact that the people are still human means they can find common ground. With common ground, there are no ultimatums. People come together and value each other for who they are, not for something they have done or haven’t done. They seek to understand each other—truly to understand what makes the other person tick. They give each other the benefit of the doubt that, as humans, their motivations are good and that they are seeking to do what’s best in their eyes. They just want to understand each other. There is always common ground. And when people start focusing on common ground and respecting each other, they start saying—we may have differences, however, let’s not start there. Let’s focus on the 30% or 40% we agree on and learn to respect each other. Let’s not make demands or concessions, let’s seek understanding. When they move from fighting over positions to considering each other’s interests, they will soon realize that they share the same underlying interests.
Take vitriolic conflicts like that between Democrats and Republicans in the U.S. These are complicated conflicts over values and interests that end up being fought over positions. The truth is that good Democrats and Republicans alike love America and are decent people at heart. They simply have different values and visions for how to make America better. Republicans believe a small federal government, more power to the states, and low taxes are the way to build a great America. Democrats disagree and think a big federal government, less power to the states, and high taxes are the way. These groups of people both love Mother America. They just strongly believe in two different ways of taking care of her. They go about accusing each other of not caring about their country—the mother America that has given them all they have to enjoy. But is that true? Don’t both Republicans and Democrats love their motherland? Don’t they value Mother America and the breast that fed them? They both do. To accuse each other that they don’t is unhelpful.
What would actually be more helpful and move our country forward—and not serve the selfish interests of politicians on both sides who want to gather a crowd by making the other party look bad? It would be for both sides—Republicans and Democrats to come together and talk. They should start without conditions. They should affirm each other’s humanity and tell each other that even though they think and see things very differently, they understand that they both love America. That’s the kind of thing the late Senator McCain did once when he was running against Obama (and lost). A supporter wanted to paint Obama as a Muslim who doesn’t love America. The man of integrity that he was, McCain didn’t miss a beat. He didn’t take advantage of it as Trump might today. He silenced his own supporter telling him that Obama was an upright man who loved America. Even though he disagreed with Obama’s political views and the direction he would take America if he won, Obama was a good and decent man. We need more of that today! We need Republicans and Democrats who stand for truth and see that they are both brothers who love Mother America but do so in different ways. They have different visions of how they want to serve her. That difference shouldn’t be demonized either to support ignorance or political gain.
Democrats and Republicans have grown apart—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s actually good for America. But such growth means they are two different groups with different values and dreams. That creates a condition that is ripe for conflict but also for diverse thoughts and innovation. This country is better with both Republicans and Democrats than with just one group. It would even be much better if they can respect each other and honestly work together.
Brothers like Joshua and David also grow apart. But all hope is not lost. Sometimes, there is nothing that can be done for brothers to grow together. They may live on different continents and be engaged in different things. Yet, the thing that must never be forgotten is that respecting each other, talking, finding common ground is always possible and is the only way for peace and growth. When South Africa was going through the precarious transition from apartheid to a democratic rule, Mandela’s genius was in leading a reconciliation effort that included forgiveness for white South Africans and creating a South Africa that would attempt to serve both groups. White South Africans didn’t change their views overnight and may largely never change them. Without an inclusive South Africa that respected both groups, South Africa would never be what it was today. The white minority had all the power, and even after losing it, could regain it.
A side effect of individual growth (which is change) can be a separation of relationships. However, there is hope for brothers, sisters, couples, and groups that have grown apart, whether by choice or circumstance. While we recommend that people make an effort to grow together, we realize that’s not always possible. When mutual growth is not possible, and separation happens, dialogue, mutual respect, understanding, and seeking common ground is the way forward. Trying to change the other, fighting over positions, setting demands, having preconditions for dialogue never brings about genuine reconciliation and relationship. Such demands are received as threats against your counterpart’s fundamental human rights such as self-direction (autonomy), freedom, justice, esteem, identity, and so forth. That only builds their resolve not to yield and perpetuate the conflict.
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