Each of us has a preferred, habitual, or dominant way of communicating called our communication style. It can be described as aggressive, passive-aggressive, passive, or assertive. Our styles may also be described as direct, serious, intense, relaxed, indirect, discreet, controlled, chatty, and curious.
Our communication styles are related to our conflict-handling styles. The five conflict-handling styles are competing/attacking, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating. Each of us habitually uses one of those five styles as our default conflict-handling style.
Our communication style is also connected to our personality type. Common personality tests include the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), Enneagram, and DISC.
In the DISC, Dominant-type people (D-type) strongly value accomplishing goals. These people are big-picture (not detail-oriented), confident, risk-takers, direct, driven, daring, direct, decisive, determined, strong-willed, and results-oriented. They focus on getting results and doing so quickly. They are usually innovative and have a sense of urgency. D’s can come across as abrasive, insensitive, argumentative, and overly demanding. A creature that represents the spirit of this style is a lion or an eagle.
Interactive or influential-type people (I-type) strongly prefer to transform the world around them by influencing or persuading people. These people are outgoing, sociable, talkative, optimistic, intuitive, inspirational, persuasive, enthusiastic, and influential. They love interacting with people and are friendly, outgoing people. They naturally have people skills that allow them to connect and interact with others easily. That allows them to be very persuasive and inspirational. They are also very imaginative and not detailed oriented. A creature that represents the spirit of this style is a parrot.
Supportive-type (individuals S-type) have a strong preference/bent for cooperating with others and working within established circumstances. These people are supportive, sympathetic, empathetic, steadfast, stable, sincere, and satisfied. They are very friendly, compassionate, accommodating, and are good listeners. As a result, they connect with people and build deep relationships with them. Their quality of steadiness means that they don’t like change. They prefer a steady pace of things and value security. They prefer tried and true methods over innovations or changes. A creature that represents the spirit of this style is a dog or a dove.
Conscientious-type individuals (C-type) value accuracy and quality. These people are detailed oriented, precise, analytical, thorough, cautious, critical, and consistent. They gather evidence, perform data analysis, create frameworks and procedures. In western conception, a creature that represents this style is an owl.
The point to remember is that our personalities affect how we communicate. For example, D-type individuals are usually very direct. Interactive people can be chatty, supportive individuals can be indirect, and conscientious people are typically analytical.
Personalities and communication styles are preferences, not boxes. People aren’t just a single type but have different degrees of preferences for the different styles. Also, there is no good style and bad style. They are just preferences, and each one has upsides and downsides. We can use our self-awareness and self-management skills to understand ourselves and learn how to manage ourselves. We can use social awareness to discern the personalities and communication styles of our listeners and use our relationship management skills to tailor our communication to their preferred styles. We can adapt our communication style to suit our context, audience, and goals.
If you are an extrovert and your listener is an introvert, you may need to tone it down. If you are an introvert talking to an extrovert, you may need to take it up a notch. In a public speaking situation, research your listeners and modify your presentation style to match the audience and goals you want to accomplish.
Personality types aren’t perfect, yet, they can be helpful to take as part of your self-awareness. Learning other styles helps with social awareness. The best way to know your communication style is to start paying attention to how you talk and ask your friends, family, and colleagues how you come across to them.
Activity: Discover and write down your preferred communication style. Write down three to five upsides of your style—the things about your style that facilitate social interaction and which others appreciate from your style. Also, write down three to five downsides—the things that hinder social interaction and which others find problematic, confusing, weird, or troubling. For the next one month, try to use your upsides more frequently and minimize your downsides.
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